We Can Take This Whole Thing To Mars

Many of us struggle with lack of confidence. In fact, we all do from time to time. There are some of us who sink into it a little bit and are able to dip in and rescue ourselves quickly, and there are others (like me) who watch themselves sink and somehow convince themselves it’s deserved. And that person just keeps sinking lower (10 ft) and lower (20 ft) and lower (50 ft) where now you almost don’t have enough air to reach yourself.

From what I’ve been told, lack of confidence is linked to the past. That does make sense. However, I think it could just be a personality thing. It’s something I never was a natural with. I’ve always had the instinct to blame myself before anyone else. If anyone was the loser it was most definitely me.

I would watch people excel at certain things like softball, for instance. Actually– dodgeball. That’s the funnier example. Lol I remember a couple of times being one of the last ones left playing (rare). But, overall, I was sad we were throwing things at each other. I thought it was mean. lol

I hated that thing where you stood in a line and chose your teammates. I would always choose people who I knew were going to be picked last because I felt sorry for them. Anyone who was able to so easily do the opposite made no sense to me. Also, the people who were usually picked last were my friends.

So I kind of felt like a loser. I wanted to be good at those things. I just never was. I was always a little bit girly and shy lol I wanted to pick out dresses and talk about our feelings. lol That’s just me. It took me time to figure out that’s okay and sometimes I still have to remind myself. I guess you could say I felt alone in my thinking even at a young age.

In my mind, I already go around telling myself how much I suck. lol So when someone else comes up with a deadly critique for me (i.e. “you’re over the top” “you talk too much”), I take it very seriously, grab it by the tail, snuggle up with it, and wallow. It’s a stupid thing to do, but a well-practiced habit. I have to dedicate time to remind myself that they’re wrong.

Another thing I’ve done is I’ve taken this sincere compassion for others and I’ve turned it into a career. As a nurse, I hardly ever have to question if my pateint is somebody I can trust. For me, they are a child. I hardly ever have to question if that person is taking advantage of me. Most of them need me in a very vulnerable time. It fulfills all my needs as a person. I get talked up at my job more often than I’m talked down. That’s why it’s amazing!

In my life, I’ve been referred to as a “misfit” or an “outcast.” That will really get to a person if they start believing it’s true. Nobody should have to be placed in such a category.

Sigh! Confidence is not so easy for all of us. Some of us have to dig deep and search for our lost person. But what’s cool about those of us who have this problem — once we reach the surface we are unstoppable! And we have so incredibly much to offer.

Think of it this way — if you’re down on yourself, who is benefiting from it? Not even you. Literally nobody is. And what’s to be down on? When you really think about it! You’re incredible, loving, and have achieved so much!! You relate to hundreds and even thousands of people. You are a little human on a big planet with your own genetic make up. Do you know your DNA can reach the sun and back 4 times?! That’s 368 MILLION miles!! You’re an individual!! That’s why you’re here. You’re pretty cool

Baby Nurse Newbie

And yes, they are all babies! Even if they’re 21 — still babies in my eyes.

It’s been 3 weeks that I’ve been on orientation with my preceptor. I’m really enjoying it. I know I’m in the right place.

I’m starting to feel the pressure of knowing more of the details… to fully embrace the outside of my comfort zone, take some added, potentially more risky initiative, relate what I’m reading on my computer and turn it into a concise, timed to-do list… to look at the clock more, get a head start, to make sure I prioritize my load. Who is the sickest tonight? Is everyone’s pulse ox on okay? What will I do if a patient codes? Do I know how to set up suction quickly enough? Does every bedside have its three ambu bags, the code sheet, and is there someone at the desk who can bring me the crash cart? Do I know where to find a parent chair if I need one? Do I have my phone on me? Does the unit have enough pillows for everyone? Where are the trash bags ACTUALLY located? Lol Will we always have enough cots for everyone? If my patient’s EVD is putting out 30, why does that scare me? I know it shouldn’t. Are heel sticks always this much of a pain in the ass? Will I ever be good at pediatric venipuncture? When these kids are smiling at me, does that mean they love and trust me? I hope so. I hope I never disappoint them.

Gosh, it is endless. I am constantly thinking about these kids. In a general way, I’m wondering, analyzing, contemplating, planning… all these things!! Always wondering how I can get better. Eventually, I reach a standstill where I decide — I’m always going to need to get better and this is something I’m going to have to accept. I will always need to get better at taking report, I will always need to get better at GIVING report, I will always need a mental refresher on my patient’s diagnosis before I do their initial assessment… I will always be searching for a way I can be better. At everything. There is no way any of these kids can be worth anything less than me constantly striving to do and be my best. Between the way I talk to my coworkers, the way I talk to their families. the way I talk to their doctor all the way up to how I hold their hand, how deeply I empathize with their pain, how tightly in tune I am with their diagnosis and pathophysiology… I know I will never quit trying to be the best I can for my kids.

I think of them all the time. Anyone would.
Scary. It’s scary when I think about it because losing one would be heartbreaking, but that’s a risk I took when I first decided to become a nurse. I work in a hospital and people in hospitals can die.

These kids are amazing. It’s all worth it. Soooo so worth it. The way their eyes flood with tears when you poke their little arms, how their feet kick when they’re in their crib, how even a teenager’s tough front is put to the side when they’re hurting and mommy is at the bedside… it tugs loud, hard and pretty at the heart strings. Most of all, the vast evidence that I’m an instrument in God’s huge masterpiece. I’m just there… doing my job, following orders, holding hands, having a tough shell but a warm, full heart. I’m a nurse!! And this is so, so exciting.

Can’t believe I’m actually doing it.

Prayers for my babies always. 歹

Hope everyone is doing well out there!!

Also, my brother recently got his job back and there are no words for how much that means to me. So thankful to God!