Will Smith is my Homeboy

It’s incredible how much change you’re able to make once you allow yourself.

Recently, I’ve had to come face to face with deep-seeded insecurities, memories of my past and how I qualified my self worth. Not only did I feel it necessary to bury things, but I broke them into chunks first, too — with the side of my shovel.

It’s not the flip of a switch. It’s harder than that. It’s necessary to feel it all — you have to do it. For your own journey.

Feel the  shame and disappointment in yourself… after you make selfish decisions just because you couldn’t get over yourself…

Feel that false idea you KNOW is there: you’re better somehow. You’ve been through pain. There may be cruel voice somewhere inside you that tells you nobody else has been through this shit; Somehow, you’re better. And now you’re angry.

That old, familiar image in your mind… the visions of yourself in action… thet remind you of the pieces of yourself you’ll never get back.

I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Wrong about the shame, wrong to think you are entitled… you’re wrong to think you’ve lost yourself.

You are everywhere. Sometimes, in better forms. You just have to reach for it. You’ll reach — high, low, and for the unfamiliar. You’ll occassionally dip back into your pain. You’ll catch glimpses of brighter, happier days. Suddenly, you’ll be making new friends. You’ll lay down on your pillow and catch that you’ve laughed an entire day. Eventually, you’ll do it so many times, it doesn’t seem unusual anymore. Now, it’s routine. You’ve done it. You found her ❤️

Let me tell you something, too.

Being a nurse — its hard sometimes. It just is. I try to think of a way to explain it…

I watched Collateral Beauty last night.

No, I wouldn’t say nursing is beauty all the time. Life is beauty. Even the ugly stuff. Honestly, sometimes there’s a lot of poop. Lol Sometimes everyone pukes before 11 o’clock. Sometimes they leave and go to the Oncology unit and I never see them again. But then… someone thanks me for taking care of their child… because I took the time to listen to them talk about golf or their job. I’ve heard how many surgeries they sat at the bedside for…

…I’m no hero. Not what I want. Other people can do that. I want to care. That’s it, really. I help someone survive another 12 hours.. And if that’s not possible, I figure the rest out later. Otherwise, I just think, I listen, I wonder, and I care…

…You cannot unsee the things you see as a nurse. There are visions you will never forget. Just like life… you can’t undo the choices you made. But this doesn’t mean you can’t be happy…

To me, they are similar. You live, you laugh, you dig in the trenches, you climb a mountain, then… you die. It’s sad. But you have to admit there’s beauty in it. There just is. If you don’t agree, go screw up your life then manage to un-F it up. Lol  Then, we’ll talk.

Wake Up, Little Suzie, Wake Up??

I have once again been awake since 3 am.

This weather has been killing me. As soon as I take a step out into the Oklahoma Summer heat, my head starts pounding and my back aches. My sinuses are so incredibly dry. It’s like a wasteland up in there.

Because I don’t want to leave Michael’s side, I instead lay in bed and think. lol I hate that I do this, but it’s part of me so whatever!

What has my wheels turning this time is the strength of the human spirit, the fragility of the human body… how love and faith conquer all things. Probably too much for this post but I’ll literally skim portions of the surface.

In December 2015, two months after accepting my position at Victoria’s Secret, my manager died… someone I felt very tied to in just a short amount of time. She was all around incredible. You would have been crazy not to love her. She died in a car accident and ended up in ICU where she eventually passed.

By no means is this something I continually think about each week. I’ve only been reminded of it lately as I’ve been witnessing various things which I would not feel professional speaking about.

All I can say is that the strength of the human spirit and its heart for other is unstoppable. Compassion and drive may be the most vital qualities we can have.

Take this as an example… a man who was abused by his father. He was 9 years old. Eventually, he moves away, gets married, and has children. Now, he hugs his son every day. He puts his trophies in the living room for everyone to see. He invites people over. He’s proud of what he has accomplished despite disasterly circumstances.

This is the power of the human spirit when we have drive and when we have compassion. I’m staring to understand that. When you put others before yourself, guess what you don’t have to think about anymore? Yourself. And it’s a huge load off the shoulders.

Almost a year ago now, I met my best friend, Michael. I strived for a better man in my life. I knew I deserved it. Now, I have him. And I will never allow him to go away. Lol I found my missing puzzle piece. The one to make all the messes make sense. As soon as I saw his eyes looking down at me, I knew. So thankful to God for you, Michael. Each and every day. And even moreso as I witness tragedy at my job. As you lay next to me in bed, I see you breathing and it brings me joy.

Although…I can’t wait for you to wake up because you are kinda boring when you’re asleep. lol I love you. 💋

Hashtag: when you can’t get attention because he’s sleeping.