Pish Posh

Hey everyone!!

Obviously, it has been a very long time since I posted. I guess you could say I’ve been a little busy. I’ve had some “writer’s block.”

I’m in school now for my BSN, so I’ve been spending time writing papers and doing homework when I’m not working. Other than that, catching up on sleep, taking a mini vacation to California for a wedding, and have been watching my boyfriend’s soccer teams.

This weekend I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to come back home to Poteau, OK and visit my family. It’s crazy to think it was 7 year ago when I last lived here. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. What’s crazier is how much my life has changed and especially how much I have changed as a person.

My family is extremely fortunate. They live on a big plot of land owned by my grandpa. In our front yard we have an amazing view of Sugarloaf Mountain and in the back yard we have an amazing view of Cavanal Hill. The sun rises over Sugarloaf Mountain and the sun sets behind Cavnal Hill.

You know, when I was younger I thought the worst thing in the world would have been to never leave Poteau. I mean, I can see my thinking because I have truly learned so much about myself and the way the world works. I’ve thrown myself into the most ridiculous circumstance and had to rely on God to drag me out. I don’t know if I’d have ever learned those lessons had I never left. However, with a family as amazing as mine and the amount of security we have always had, I can’t say that staying would have been so detrimental. Of course, I would have never met Michael.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m very lucky. When I was younger I guess I saw the stupid things like all the bullying, how I didn’t have this cute shirt or that cute car, or how different I felt from everyone else. Looking back, I should have been proud. I could have turned it around in my favor if I had wanted. I guess I failed to see that at the time.

I have always been a person that’s a little bit more on the shy side. I’ve had to get over that a little bit with time due to being a nurse, interviews, attending a university… things like that. However, I am still myself and when I’m free to be a little more personal and I don’t have to put on a show for anyone, I tend to lean a little more on the shy, reserved, no-small-talk, and I’d-rather-be-in-a-corner-crocheting-and-drinking-tea part of myself. It kinda sorta leaves me without a lot of potential friends! But the people who I do end up being friends with are people I wholeheartedly would like to keep in my life forever. Maybe I have attachment issues lol but I like to think I just have a big heart. Once I let you in, it’s because I think you’re worth it and I trust you to not leave me hanging. Maybe I have issues in that regard lol but for now that’s how I see it. I’m not sure how I feel about friends coming AND going. The going part is not so fun.

When I was little one of my dreams was for all my family and friends to live on a beach somewhere together and never come back. I guess that’s probably what Heaven will be like. So one day that dream will come true. In the meantime, we will just hope the waiting period for it will be as long as possible.

Work has been incredible. It is still hard. Every week I come across a patient who keeps me from getting much sleep at night… whether it be from I caring so much or wondering how I can do better.

I consider what I do to be incredibly impactful. I have the opportunity to better lives each time I clock in. And I mean, we all have that opportunity in life. I think for me, though, I see families who are often at the lowest of low. If I meet that moment with grace, kindness, respect, understanding, dignity, pride, and joy… I can truly make life easier and give people hope when they’re lacking in that department. If I feel that I’ve somehow failed at this, I beat myself up. It’s a stupid thing to do. I am human and not superwoman. I just desperately want to be SuperWoman! Lol

I think that’s enough jibber-jabber. I hope everyone is doing well!




Will Smith is my Homeboy

It’s incredible how much change you’re able to make once you allow yourself.

Recently, I’ve had to come face to face with deep-seeded insecurities, memories of my past and how I qualified my self worth. Not only did I feel it necessary to bury things, but I broke them into chunks first, too — with the side of my shovel.

It’s not the flip of a switch. It’s harder than that. It’s necessary to feel it all — you have to do it. For your own journey.

Feel the shame and disappointment in yourself… after you make selfish decisions just because you couldn’t get over yourself…

Feel that false idea you KNOW is there: you’re better somehow. You’ve been through pain. There may be cruel voice somewhere inside you that tells you nobody else has been through this shit; Somehow, you’re better. And now you’re angry.

That old, familiarimage in your mind… the visions of yourself in action… thet remind you of the pieces of yourself you’ll never get back.

I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Wrong about the shame, wrong to think you are entitled… you’re wrong to think you’ve lost yourself.

You are everywhere. Sometimes, in better forms. You just have to reach for it. You’ll reach — high, low, and for the unfamiliar. You’ll occassionally dip back into your pain. You’ll catch glimpses of brighter, happier days. Suddenly, you’ll be making new friends. You’ll lay down on your pillow and catch that you’ve laughed an entire day. Eventually, you’ll do it so many times, it doesn’t seem unusual anymore. Now, it’s routine. You’ve done it. You found her 歹

Let me tell you something, too.

Being a nurse — its hard sometimes. It just is. I try to think of a way to explain it…

I watched Collateral Beauty last night.

No, I wouldn’t say nursing is beauty all the time. Life is beauty. Even the ugly stuff. Honestly, sometimes there’s a lot of poop. Lol Sometimes everyone pukes before 11 o’clock. Sometimes they leave and go to the Oncology unit and I never see them again. But then… someone thanks me for taking care of their child… because I took the time to listen to them talk about golf or their job. I’ve heard how many surgeries they sat at the bedside for…

…I’m no hero. Not what I want. Other people can do that. I want to care. That’s it, really. I help someone survive another 12 hours.. And if that’s not possible, I figure the rest out later. Otherwise, I just think, I listen, I wonder, and I care…

…You cannot unsee the things you see as a nurse. There are visions you will never forget. Just like life… you can’t undo the choices you made. But this doesn’t mean you can’t be happy…

To me, they are similar. You live, you laugh, you dig in the trenches, you climb a mountain, then… you die. It’s sad. But you have to admit there’s beauty in it. There just is. If you don’t agree, go screw up your life then manage to un-F it up. Lol Then, we’ll talk.