Will Smith is my Homeboy

It’s incredible how much change you’re able to make once you allow yourself.

Recently, I’ve had to come face to face with deep-seeded insecurities, memories of my past and how I qualified my self worth. Not only did I feel it necessary to bury things, but I broke them into chunks first, too — with the side of my shovel.

It’s not the flip of a switch. It’s harder than that. It’s necessary to feel it all — you have to do it. For your own journey.

Feel the  shame and disappointment in yourself… after you make selfish decisions just because you couldn’t get over yourself…

Feel that false idea you KNOW is there: you’re better somehow. You’ve been through pain. There may be cruel voice somewhere inside you that tells you nobody else has been through this shit; Somehow, you’re better. And now you’re angry.

That old, familiar image in your mind… the visions of yourself in action… thet remind you of the pieces of yourself you’ll never get back.

I’m here to tell you: you’re wrong. Wrong about the shame, wrong to think you are entitled… you’re wrong to think you’ve lost yourself.

You are everywhere. Sometimes, in better forms. You just have to reach for it. You’ll reach — high, low, and for the unfamiliar. You’ll occassionally dip back into your pain. You’ll catch glimpses of brighter, happier days. Suddenly, you’ll be making new friends. You’ll lay down on your pillow and catch that you’ve laughed an entire day. Eventually, you’ll do it so many times, it doesn’t seem unusual anymore. Now, it’s routine. You’ve done it. You found her ❤️

Let me tell you something, too.

Being a nurse — its hard sometimes. It just is. I try to think of a way to explain it…

I watched Collateral Beauty last night.

No, I wouldn’t say nursing is beauty all the time. Life is beauty. Even the ugly stuff. Honestly, sometimes there’s a lot of poop. Lol Sometimes everyone pukes before 11 o’clock. Sometimes they leave and go to the Oncology unit and I never see them again. But then… someone thanks me for taking care of their child… because I took the time to listen to them talk about golf or their job. I’ve heard how many surgeries they sat at the bedside for…

…I’m no hero. Not what I want. Other people can do that. I want to care. That’s it, really. I help someone survive another 12 hours.. And if that’s not possible, I figure the rest out later. Otherwise, I just think, I listen, I wonder, and I care…

…You cannot unsee the things you see as a nurse. There are visions you will never forget. Just like life… you can’t undo the choices you made. But this doesn’t mean you can’t be happy…

To me, they are similar. You live, you laugh, you dig in the trenches, you climb a mountain, then… you die. It’s sad. But you have to admit there’s beauty in it. There just is. If you don’t agree, go screw up your life then manage to un-F it up. Lol  Then, we’ll talk.


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