To Unknown

A “poem”that rhymes but doesn’t. So is it a poem? Who cares?

I had to let you go.

For me.

It wasn’t that I wanted to. No, that wasn’t it. It was for all your ignoring me… and when you gave away my things. It was the lack of respect you had for all of my new friends. It was the resentment I began to see you have. It was all of that and more. You started to talk over me… all about yourself. You took advantage of my kindness… you made out to be a fool. I watched you walk away like I never mattered… you made jokes and acted cool. Even after all our plots and schemes together, you left me with a mark. My hopes and dreams were shattered, you left me broken in the dark. All of that did brighten after several years had passed. But the mark you left was permanent, etched inside my skin and vast. If your disregard arose from jealousy, or you think I’m weird… I know you’re less than I am… you’re insensible and rude. You left my ugly mark that’s permanent, the one I can’t wash off. It makes me trust people even less… something easy for people like you. I’m left with all this wondering of what I did to you. That I’ll never know, but there are some things I do. I wanted to keep trying but…

I had to let you go.

For me.

But in my heart I carry you.

If you peeled me back you’d see

I had to let you go

For me

I’ll never let you go

I’m me

Pish Posh

Hey everyone!!

Obviously, it has been a very long time since I posted. I guess you could say I’ve been a little busy. I’ve had some “writer’s block.”

I’m in school now for my BSN, so I’ve been spending time writing papers and doing homework when I’m not working. Other than that, catching up on sleep, taking a mini vacation to California for a wedding, and have been watching my boyfriend’s soccer teams.

This weekend I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to come back home to Poteau, OK and visit my family. It’s crazy to think it was 7 year ago when I last lived here. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. What’s crazier is how much my life has changed and especially how much I have changed as a person.

My family is extremely fortunate. They live on a big plot of land owned by my grandpa. In our front yard we have an amazing view of Sugarloaf Mountain and in the back yard we have an amazing view of Cavanal Hill. The sun rises over Sugarloaf Mountain and the sun sets behind Cavnal Hill.

You know, when I was younger I thought the worst thing in the world would have been to never leave Poteau. I mean, I can see my thinking because I have truly learned so much about myself and the way the world works. I’ve thrown myself into the most ridiculous circumstance and had to rely on God to drag me out. I don’t know if I’d have ever learned those lessons had I never left. However, with a family as amazing as mine and the amount of security we have always had, I can’t say that staying would have been so detrimental. Of course, I would have never met Michael.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m very lucky. When I was younger I guess I saw the stupid things like all the bullying, how I didn’t have this cute shirt or that cute car, or how different I felt from everyone else. Looking back, I should have been proud. I could have turned it around in my favor if I had wanted. I guess I failed to see that at the time.

I have always been a person that’s a little bit more on the shy side. I’ve had to get over that a little bit with time due to being a nurse, interviews, attending a university… things like that. However, I am still myself and when I’m free to be a little more personal and I don’t have to put on a show for anyone, I tend to lean a little more on the shy, reserved, no-small-talk, and I’d-rather-be-in-a-corner-crocheting-and-drinking-tea part of myself. It kinda sorta leaves me without a lot of potential friends! But the people who I do end up being friends with are people I wholeheartedly would like to keep in my life forever. Maybe I have attachment issues lol but I like to think I just have a big heart. Once I let you in, it’s because I think you’re worth it and I trust you to not leave me hanging. Maybe I have issues in that regard lol but for now that’s how I see it. I’m not sure how I feel about friends coming AND going. The going part is not so fun.

When I was little one of my dreams was for all my family and friends to live on a beach somewhere together and never come back. I guess that’s probably what Heaven will be like. So one day that dream will come true. In the meantime, we will just hope the waiting period for it will be as long as possible.

Work has been incredible. It is still hard. Every week I come across a patient who keeps me from getting much sleep at night… whether it be from I caring so much or wondering how I can do better.

I consider what I do to be incredibly impactful. I have the opportunity to better lives each time I clock in. And I mean, we all have that opportunity in life. I think for me, though, I see families who are often at the lowest of low. If I meet that moment with grace, kindness, respect, understanding, dignity, pride, and joy… I can truly make life easier and give people hope when they’re lacking in that department. If I feel that I’ve somehow failed at this, I beat myself up. It’s a stupid thing to do. I am human and not superwoman. I just desperately want to be SuperWoman! Lol

I think that’s enough jibber-jabber. I hope everyone is doing well!