This may be the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever written

When I was younger, I didn’t have that many friends.

I was very shy and quiet. It’s the way I have always been. I have a hugely sensitive soul. For that reason, I am incredibly guarded.

With friends, I have always beenwhat somemight call overly-selective. It’s all been in some sort of effort to protect myself as I am anextremely emotional person.

Growing up, I made friends and lost them. Losing them was never easy. I still experience pain over those I have lost touch with as I consider myself a loyal person.

Over those years there were only two people I truly let in. One of those people was a friend of mine since I was 5 years old and the other I met later on in high school.

As I continued to grow up, I took notice of those around me. They all had friends…. people around them who would never leave them. So I knew this was the expectation and one of the keys to happiness.

So, right beside me through thick and thin, I finally had it… My two best friends. A trio. In my head, this was the ultimate life. I didn’t just have one best friend, but I had two, meaning I had another to turn to if the other got too busy. I had two sisters, in a sense. At this point, this was all I needed in the world. I had my two future bridesmaids, I had the two girls I’d always vacation with, and I had the aunts of my future children.

I got very set on the idea. I am an absolute dreamer. When I let my heart attach to something, it takes a team of experts to detach me. It isn’t something I’m ashamed of. I take pride in this. My passion is a real thing. And my loyalty cannot be put out.Some see it as stubborn or obstinate, I see it as not giving up.

I remember when it all began to crash down. I don’t remember the year it happened, the dates, or the months, but I remember the emotions and I have been changed ever since.

It’s crazy to me how people are able to just move on. How nonchalant everyone is about suggesting it. How people can just walk out of one friendship into another.

I have already accepted that I feel things very deeply. It is probably my brain’s fault. There has to be a part that acts out more than others or a chemical it releases that causes me to spiral deeply into allmy emotions. Once I began to feel what depression was like, my brain really wanted to hold on to it and it began to tell me some really awful things about myself. It still does that sometimes, but I exercise it by disagreement.

When my two favorite people walked out on me… my life changed. I lost hope. Sadly, that hope never came back the way it used to. It’s returned in many ways since I met the love of my life, Michael. But the joy that was ripped from me when my two best friends decided to break off of my life… that joy simply won’t come back. People like to act like it will, but it won’t happen.

It’s like they died. That’s how it felt to me. It was all discreet, but sudden at the same time. I mean, I was in mourning. For weeks, months, and then years.

I’ve come to a point where I have accepted that nothing and nobody will ever replace my two best friends. I have prayed to God for it. But I know he can’t fix it. The only way he can is if he takes me back in time. Unfortunately, we keep moving forward.

I have met people now who truly are amazing. I have new best friends that are incredible. I love them dearly. They will be in my wedding. They will be my kid’s aunts. They will do all those things.

But… you really cannot replace a person. You really can’t. Even if you cloned them it still would not be the same.

I’ve blamed myself more than I have anyone. I really have. I sometimestell myself that I was too weird, too this or too that. But at the end of the day, I’ll never know what happened. That’s just how it is in my situation.

Feel fortunate that you have friends now who will never leave you… who you made promises to that you actually get to keep. I don’t have that anymore because the opportunity was ripped away. The sad part is, I’ll never know why.

This never happened to me… but if I had to pick something to compare it to, I’d say it’s like when your mom abandons you. There’s really no good reason why, you’re not entirely sure where she went or why she couldn’t handle you anymore, but she is gone now and she will never come back. And even if you get another mom it will not beYOUR mom.

To my ex-best friends,

My heart will always have a place for you whenever you want to come back. There are loving arms waiting to erase whatever happened. I would do it a hundred times if that’s what it took. Again, there will always be room for you here in my heart…




To Unknown

A “poem”that rhymes but doesn’t. So is it a poem? Who cares?

I had to let you go.

For me.

It wasn’t that I wanted to. No, that wasn’t it. It was for all your ignoring me… and when you gave away my things. It was the lack of respect you had for all of my new friends. It was the resentment I began to see you have. It was all of that and more. You started to talk over me… all about yourself. You took advantage of my kindness… you made out to be a fool. I watched you walk away like I never mattered… you made jokes and acted cool. Even after all our plots and schemes together, you left me with a mark. My hopes and dreams were shattered, you left me broken in the dark. All of that did brighten after several years had passed. But the mark you left was permanent, etched inside my skin and vast. If your disregard arose from jealousy, or you think I’m weird… I know you’re less than I am… you’re insensible and rude. You left my ugly mark that’s permanent, the one I can’t wash off. It makes me trust people even less… something easy for people like you. I’m left with all this wondering of what I did to you. That I’ll never know, but there are some things I do. I wanted to keep trying but…

I had to let you go.

For me.

But in my heart I carry you.

If you peeled me back you’d see

I had to let you go

For me

I’ll never let you go

I’m me